Recipe: The Funnest Girl at the Party

The best recipe for cooking for one in your 20's. Not-so suitable for couples or families. I like to whip this up on a Saturday night, but it can also work in a pinch on a cheeky Tuesday.

The Funnest Girl at The Party

Prep-Time: 30 minutes
Cook-Time: ≈7 Hours

Ingredients:

  • 3 Tbsp Nervous Energy.

    • This is the foundation. An intense, aromatic, extra-virgin nervous energy is what can take your evening from “pretty fun, can’t complain” to “where is my phone, who’s face did I lick on a dare last night.” Do not skimp on this. I’m telling you.

  • 1 Pack Cigarrettes.

    • One full pack. Enough for you and enough to share. No need to actually smoke them. One puff and a seductive stub-out will do the trick. All unused cigarettes should end up crumpled at the bottom of purse by end of night.

  • 1/3 Cup Self-Hatred.

    • Not so much that you can’t leave the house, but just enough so that you don’t leave the house without taking a shot or two before hand.

    • This is very important as it embeds this night in your brain for years to come. It's what will keep you going long after everybody else wants to go to bed— what makes you wake up in a friend of a friend’s bathroom at 10am the next morning thinking, “how can I make this funny?”

  • 3-12 "standard" drinks Alcohol.

    • Inexeperienced chefs may suggest more, and boring chefs will definitely suggest less. However, I've found, that dependent on the day's food consumption and your plans for the next morning, somewhere between 3-12 is usually the sweet-spot.

  • 1 Outfit, chopped.

    • Something silly, but in a cool way. Think—zebra print jacket, crushed velvet tights, yellow rain boots, etc.

    • This outfit needs to accessorize and excuse any and all pictures of you. (This could include but is not limited to: pictures of you pretending to give a blowjob to a wine bottle, pictures of you perched neatly next to a cutsey group of girlfriends, pictures of you with beer dripping down your chin after a chugging contest with a boy you think is cute, pictures of you passed out on the couch cuddling a Juul and a hat you stole off someone for attention)

    • I recommend pre-chopping the outfit, as bits of it will end up scattered throughout the city anyway.

  • Shame (to taste).

    • Like paprika, you only need a little for it to show, but a lot if you actually want the flavor.

Directions:

Combine nervous energy, outfit, self-hatred, and 1/2 of alcohol into a large mixing bowl. Whisk for two or three hours, or until all of life’s lumps have disappeared. Slowly add the rest of the alcohol and cigarettes intermittently until small peaks have formed. Throw in the oven and get baked. When mixture cools, garnish with shame.

Best served with tequila and lime.